penny lane

is in my ears and in my heart... forever.

i miss you, penny lane.

YOU FUCK

not sure what else i was supposed to title this lol...

instead of fuck you.. i decided to just title it YOU FUCK!

anyways...

it's about to be that time of the month again. sadly the emotions come rolling in around this time and my heart starts to psych my mind out about what i supposedly "need" right now but i need to stick to the game plan and ride it out as much as i want to do this and do that because as much as i plan it out in my head... it RARELY ever plays out that way so i gotta do it smart and just stay on the path..

stay on the path sa..

ughhhhhhhhh........ why is this so difficult for me? is it because that person really did play a big part in my life and made a real impact on my life? i mean definitely yeah and i wouldn't doubt it for a minute but for things to change i need to stick to the game plan and just stay on the path. be a better person, you fuck! lol i dont know what it is about cuss words why i love it so much but i get a crack out of it haha.. now i'm digressing.

anyways.. reminder sa, stay on the path. you need time to grow and this is your time to do it so no distractions. not even a little. you def. know what you want and need so keep working towards it. don't look at how far you have left.. look at how far you've come and each step you take is leading to a better future. doesn't that sound nice? FUCK YEAH! stay motivated. ;]

there's nothing..

i want more than for you to be happy.
& if that's with being with your homies then by all means......
but at the end of the day... my intentions are nothing more than
for you to be happy.

i just wished that i had been that person for YOU.
that person that you could count on, love you for you, & constantly offer you... what i couldn't (a real relationship) i was too stuck in selfish mode. i didnt want to change so that we could compromise and meet half way instead of you going full circle to realizing that i just wasn't ready for what YOU wanted/needed.

i know.

i suck.

realizing this.......

over a long ass period of time.

it breaks my heart too.

timing is funny, isn't it?

it pains me to even record all of this down... my own revelations.

being friends was way too difficult because you have this hold on me. something different about you _______ ____ ___, but i love it.i love you and i know, i put you through a lot but i appreciate you. if i could change it all.. i would've probably loved you better, been there for you and for me as a couple, gone to extremes to see you, do anything for your kisses... i wouldn't have taken US for granted.

*sigh...

this is my daily routine.. my heart speaks up but my brain is smarter. fml. everything that i've known... from relationships to basic school.. i need better habits. more discipline. change it up and not focus on stupid shit and ONLY FOCUS ON WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO ME AND FOR MY FUTURE.

#growing pains

ebrahim - i'll be alright

Since you walked through that door
Said you don’t want me no more
Well, I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces
And start a brand new lease on life
Now that’s where I’m at
I’m trying to find my catch
Maybe she will find me
That’s when I’ll be…

Pre
Truly content
With everything that’s happening
In my life so far, I feel so far
Gone from my surroundings
I can’t face tomorrow
And I can’t go on

Chorus
But if I give one more day I might see
That I can get by so consistently
Without you running in and out of my life
I need to prove to myself that I’ll be alright

Boys Choir
I know these things just take some time
Just give me a minute and Imma be alright

Verse
Should’ve known from the start
Life without you’d be hard
Well I’m doing the best I can
To be a better man
I got to be strong, prove that you’re wrong
Cuz you never thought I’d get over you
I’ll admit I did too
Well now I’m…

Pre
Truly content
With everything that’s happened
In my life so far, I’ve come so far
To face my surroundings
I can see tomorrow
And I can go on

Chorus
Cuz I gave it one more day to see
That I can get back so consistently
Without you running in and out of my life
I have proved to myself that I’ll be alright

my dream came true.. big sess in my car with my coworkers. that was pretty dope. i guess i can make an exception to the rule for a few coworkers. we don't gots to be acquaintances..

there's a time when a person will feel they've reached all they can take.

beginning to feel myself swing around with my moods but i'm trying not to focus on the fact that these feelings are irrational. i mean it's like "listen to yourself, sa.. you sound ridiculous for the way you feel" i wish i had a way with words to truly express how i feel and not feel restricted to just expressing my negative feelings but maybe even my positive feelings. this will have to do for now until i can figure out my way with words.

i love becky mabunay

with every mistake we must surely be learning

you dont understand how sick to my stomach i feel.. i'm entitled to feel right?

anyways.. come on music.. keep me grounded. put me in the right direction. feed me the good vibrations that i need to feel sane. stay motivated

it hurts

when the person you love so much can't acknowledge you. i mean there's only so much that i can do to prove myself but in the end i guess there's only one person i can worry bout and it's me. i don't want to be in an unhealthy state of worrying about something that's not even anything at all. right? we're not anything so what's the point of it all? if its not meant to be then its not meant to be. i can't force it to happen. i don't have that power.

i have to accept it. coming down to it and i don't think there's any other way. accept that i can't change anything and accept that we're in different places in our lives and we're going to do our own things now. atleast i can think this way without shedding a tear for you NOW. it's not fair to me to stay when there's nothing to stay for.

i guess i just wished things would've happened differently but it's for the best right?

paramore - turn it off

in all my spite.
i'll turn it off.

& the worst part is
before it gets any better
we're headed for a cliff
& in the free fall
i will realize i'm better off
when i hit the bottom

challenging

i took a look at our photos not intending to look at us but i was searching for a photo of my car but it wasn't in our dontlookinhere file. surprisingly, not a single ache occurred in my heart. it felt nice to not feel anything. progression. it can only get better from here.

today..

i realized what the date was.. march 13th. it will have to be 2 years in a month. that's when i interrupted that thought. i can't make those kinds of thoughts anymore. with a quickness i changed the thought like changing the channel. those thoughts will only cause me harm when i'm striving for better. c'mon sa.. fresh start. fresh thoughts. fresh ideas. clean slate so it's a must to clean this slate. damage's been done a long time ago so it's about time that i clean up my act n get it going. can't dwell. do work son.

ambitious girl by wale

Ambitious girl, the drive-drive me crazy
I'm tryna stay with you, lay with you
I'll pay your tuition, and pray with you if you ain't in to wishin
I'm tryna fuck the shit out your aspirations
See, the last one I dated, I hated
We wake up, I go to work, she leave out
Come back with some make up, high heels, and a purse, or
Worse I ask, "Babygirl, what you aspire to be?"
She reply to me like, "why you perspiring me?" bitch..
Pardon me if I'm sweating you but,
I wanna see something else in you before I invest in you
Ambitious girl, (what you sitting for)
I'd rather you tell me to hit you later,
Because you gotta finish a paper
Then to be in my face asking for a rosea cup
See these bitches can't cut in yo business
I'm in love with your business
And your productivity is the reason I interest, ambitious girl
See, I like the person that you are,
But I'm in love with the person that you have potential to be
And all your dreams sharing with me
And your secrets baring with me
And the flaws, you ain't even got to mention to me,
Ambitious girl, you just wanna win, and you'd rather chase your dreams,
Then to try to chase these men
That try to chase these skirts
That try to chase these shots with flavors that aint even as sweet as her
My ambitious girl, I wont forget you,
I just reflect on how I ain't met you, yet boo
You somewhere, getting your life in order
So for the time being, I hope this (overscribe) might support her
Support her, or work her, she worth it

i really really really like this.. good one wale.. nah but peep game..

Things are going to happen slowly this time, so remember what they say -- anything worth having is worth waiting for. ----my horoscope.

woooord. i'm just gonna let it be. there's nothing else that i want more than this but i gotta take the time to better myself first which sounds better than making another problem. there's a lot of time in the world but i'd rather prove to you that i'm capable. no more stupid games. no more indecisiveness.

working towards the better me. let's go!

gotta get my grown folk on.

ADELE -- One and Only [Live from the Tabernacle, London]

i have to get over this stage but it's so true about how i feel when i think about....

you.

damn this adele album. neartears

i feel like my mind needs stimulation.
i think thats why i feel the way that i feel.
san diego isn't fulfilling my needs at the very moment so i'm craving for something new. i love the idea of something new. it sounds so exciting. maybe i should just go for it this time and really challenge myself? mentally vs. physically

Mesita - Here For You (2010)

for the homies.. lol

#pennyprudencemrs.robinsonlucy

Lyrics:
Is friendship a debt
Some aren't willing to repay
Do they often run away

Is it all who you know
Living off those of your own
As if that's what we're all here for

Are the people that you knew
Now the people you just know of
All off in different places

Do you search out for more
Are you lonely or bored
With no one left to set you straight

Know I often
Am running away
From debts I
Can't seem to repay
You may take from me
You may break me down
But I'm lost not
Having you around

(Will you feel broken down
When there's no one left around
Will you feel you've had enough

Will the love in your heart
Leave you all falling apart
Till your friends come and stitch you up)

Ones we had and ones we lost
Or fallen out of touch
Days may change but friends we'll stay
I am here for you always
Always

I've been holding on
Holding out for you
But I'm finding now
There's nothing I can do
To keep working at it
I keep breaking down
I'm so lost without it
Having you all around

Ones we had and ones we lost
Or fallen out of touch
Days may change but friends we'll stay
I am here for you always
Always

Phantogram "When I'm Small"

how i currently feel.

how fuckin cute...

There are two things you can’t live without: your brain and your heart. But the heart is special for four reasons.

1. It is the first fully functioning organ in your body as a fetus.
2. When the rest of your body gives up, your heart keeps going.
3. When you die, this is the last thing to stop functioning.
4. It is the only organ that can fall in love.

live and learn

live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn live and learn

i tried.

i can definitely say that i wasn't the best that i could have been in my last relationship. she knew it and i knew it. changing things immediately to keep her, how selfish of me. didn't even get to show her the best of my ability to keep her happy, just too little too late. rushed into it and now it's a big mess that i've made for myself. i only do this to myself constantly. diggin a hole and each time it gets harder and harder to climb out of. i just wanna be the simple tune to your layers of music. with all the mistakes i've made i need to learn from them and use them as my stepping stone to getting to the better me. with time and progress, i know i can reach the better me.

i need to do better the next time i'm given the opportunity.

my dreams..

won't leave me alone.

i can still taste you on my lips. the way you kissed me and the butterflies that always seem to find its way into my tummy when we kiss. it breaks me down. your kiss, it tortures me. at the thought of it i'm left love drugged, almost under a spell. it even happens in my dreams and it won't leave me alone.

thorough

we broke up because..

- i couldn't change when she wanted me to.. in other words i couldn't give her what she wanted.
- i cheated. (i hate... this. i'm sure she hates it even more)
- she waited too long.
- she moved here for me for the sake of our relationship and yet i still couldn't reciprocate.
- distance caused insecurities.

rejection

what a bitter taste.

it might be time to cut out some things that are unhealthy.

use time more efficiently with HEALTHIER substances?

sounds like a good idea..

trying to stick with it is where it gets tricky. haha i may be on to something though. change it up for once. there's gotta be something wrong that i'm doing for why i feel this way.

FUCK YOU LUCY

reciprocity

i used to think that loving someone was enough. i believe so much in loving you but it's just not enough.

i'm tired of the hurt.

i think to myself.. isn't she scared of losing us? nah she's not weak like me. i am too scared of losing her but i already have since i put her in the position of not wanting to pursue us. gosh sa...

sa.. it's like you said in the beginning.. as long as we're on the same page then we're good.

obviously you two aren't on the same page anymore.

how do you go from living for someone to having to tear them away from everything that you know? it's like they're apart of me and having to tear off apart of me is unheard of.. just sounds painful altogether.

GET IT TOGETHER ALREADY. i hate the thought of letting go of something thats SO WORTH IT..

worth it...important to me.
priorities.

she's important to me no matter how emo i get about our situation. she's more than just an ex. she's my best friend. how do you rid yourself of the love that you have for someone? it's unconditional.. i can't. i refuse to let go of what's important to me. i guess i'll just keep it disguised as something else. keep my feelings on the downlow.

i'm not about to give up.
i've worked too damn hard.
plus, i'm still here.. right?

BUCK UP..

note to self..

her:
I feel too insecure to pursue another long distance relationship, especially with everything i've gone through
i lose my sanity, i truly go insane and i hate it

i love the song don't let me down...
but...
i think it's weird that i'm ready for the let down.
sounds sad.
true story.

i hate that at any moment my heart could just be torn out and stomped on then thrown into the ocean where i'd have to dive deep to save it but to only find that you can't live without a heart so then i wouldn't even be able to save it... i guess it could be salvaged? i guess in some other dimension "don't let me down" could mean something.. there's hope for me in some other dimension. be ready for it. be prepared to walk away with your chin up and head held high.. who am i kidding? i hate this battle between the two of me.. it's like i wanna be hopeful but the bitter half wants to just sulk in the negative and spoils everything! i just wanna be happy.

is it bad that i had plans for myself? is it bad that i was working towards a goal? i mean yeah sometimes you gotta do things for yourself but for myself, it wasn't even good enough. i'm working towards "us" but does that even exist in your world? i'm terrible. i fucked you hard and now i'm being fucked. what is it with me? i have to ruin everything that's going well. never ever consistent. i'm all for delays and unusual obstacles but boy, does it hurt. i look at pictures of us.. and you say i looked distant but i think that we look okay? i had this thought in my head that we were happy but you pointed out a flaw.. a flaw that pushed you away from me. my inability to feel emotional... i'm trying to pinpoint what caused this for me but i just can't. i don't know.. but i'm trying to change it. i'm trying to be better. i just want the reassurance that you're thinking of me too. i just want you.. is that so bad? i guess in your world its wrong.. but in mine..... *sigh.

i had to live
i had to live
i had to leave
i had to live..

i woke up feeling like i was thrown under a bus..
like i'm the worst person alive.

i'm feeling a little on the miserable side

now i kno how everybody else feels

be a better person

i just wanna yell.. scream even.
cry so hard maybe.

so much for my luck huh?

tough shit..
that i'm holding on by a little string.