detach

for the past few days my horoscope has been nothing but good. for today it says that there's something in the air and everyone's happy and supposedly "especially me" i think it's bullshit. why did i even try to believe that everything would be okay in the morning? i've hurt her with my stupid bullshit selfishness. i don't even think about her and what she needs out of our relationship but only what i need from it. my happiness is my only concern. that's my problem.

i wanna say that i was never this selfish because i never put myself first in my past relationships. someone else always put themselves first. i was fucked and not in a good way. i knew about the lies, i knew about the secrets, i knew everything and yet i let it slide because i felt like i was the one that could make it worth it. i learned so much from that bad experience. you grow from the pain. pain causes suffering which leads to you healing and becoming a better person from it. that's what i was trying to do atleast. i was trying to be a better person. perceive the world in a way that no one is open to because of their own selfishness and desires. and now... look at me. i don't even stand by what i believe in.

now.. i'm in a relationship. i never knew what it was to feel so selfish until she showed me that i'm not standing by my own words. maybe i don't belong in a relationship. there's no progress and i'm not learning from it. maybe i need to detach myself. not let emotions run me. let go of my desires. without desire there will not be any suffering.

maybe she'll be happier without me?

what do i do? i don't know what to do anymore.. it's an endless cycle that i put her through until i realize that i can break it.