22

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAREN VISTER!!

pissed off

i'm mad that you let this drag on for this long because i thought that our friendship meant something to the both of us and now i'm beginning to think that it didn't really mean much. i mean why is it so hard for you to understand that we're not gonna agree on every single thing and that doesn't mean that you should let something like that go because we see different sides. isn't that a good thing that we're different? you're one of my best friends n you haven't even spoken to me in months. not even a hello. you couldn't even let me know what i did to you so that i could fix it. i don't even wanna have to act fake with you when i see you because that's not how we are. we're supposed to be the realest muthafuckin bitches there are.

you're different.. you make me laugh. you're a mean bitch and yet innocent.. i love that you're strange because we all are... i wouldn't be your friend if you weren't the person that you are. it kills me that we haven't seen each other or called to say whats up just to make sure that we're both okay. i wish we would.

i mean maybe there's something bout me that you don't like and that's fine.. as long as you let me know cuz i'll respect you even more for telling me. i'll take the criticism because that's what friends do.. we criticize each other but still have love for one another. i wanna be the bigger person n say HEY.. what did i do to you? but now i feel like i'm such a hypocrite cuz i can't be real with you and ask you what's wrong??

i value our friendship
but now i feel like i know less about you.

good music

i knew i was in love with music when..
it became something more personal to me.

mixtape after mixtape
CD after CD
playlist after playlist
describe the vibe.
destination satisfied.

& yet music, you still amaze me.

muah

MU
AH

forreal

it hurts, forreal..
i'm trynna listen
but it hurts.

i'm trying to be me
but being me hurts.

it hurts me that i hurt you.
you're bitter & i can tell..
especially since you're not trying to hide it...
all because you're hurt.

where do i start?
i wanna be out. i can't be at home..
if there's a chance for me to get out
i'll get out.

you don't understand why i wanna be out
when you're at home.. that's exactly it
if you were here at home i'd wanna be at home with you.

it's like we don't understand each other
and we can't love each other for our differences.

all i know is that i love you and i wanna be with you
but i can't keep you happy... so what's the point?


maybe it is like you said...
we're not ready.

MU-sick-ness

forgot i had a blog..

music.. it's so amazing.
it does me just right along with this bowl.
what a delight

certainties

Things are never ever what they seem. In life things are never certain. (why is it that when you look at a word for so long.. it doesn't look like itself, like i have to question myself if it is spelled correctly?) As a child, I remember playing outside all the time, doing things that kids do. We laugh and we play but as you get older you start learning things. You take your experiences with you and you learn from them. Now that I'm a lot older I know many things but not enough about this world. In relationships you learn that falling and taking risks/chances is what you do so that there's some type of trust.. but how can you really trust someone if one day they love you and the next they might not? How do people stay in love?? You work things out especially if it's love. Now in life, you go to school to make sure you have something to fall back on. Life is just like any other situation.. You're never too sure about anything. You're happy one minute then the next something could occur and your world can come crashing down. How do you fight off all the bad stuff to ensure that your happiness is certain? I don't get it.. I don't really get life at all.. I guess in a way I'm scared of what could come. I need to learn to keep in mind that things aren't always permanent. There's a way to work things out. Good vibes & be a good person & maybe in return it'll just come back to me. "What we think, we become.." - Buddha

consequences of your actions:

maybe she doesn't want me anymore..

everyone nose

so i never meant to hurt.. you
just one's self feeling confused & a lil lost.
maybe to me it's all brand new.
never had someone as caring as you
FEEL this way for me.
maybe to me, i'm just not used
to being loved and letting someone love me the way that you do
is strange to me.

it was a simple mistake that i subconsciously made.
too simple that it became too complexed.
i didn't know what to do.
some advice, words, perspective...
direction
for me to take.

not sure how it got here
but from the start led me all the way to here.
learn from the past
to move towards the future..
past.. how do you get past it?

i'm understanding and i'm trying to
understand what you feel and what you expect/need from me.

what made us different?
we haven't given up yet
& though we stumble...
we keep learning that communication
isn't always there but it's a realization
& we work hard to work it out.

i think we're worth it..
didn't you? i mean don't you?
unless you've.. lost it.

happines is a..

warm gun.

i need a fix cuz i'm going down
down to the bits that i left uptown.


another statistic in the making.
keep it moving.

real enough for you?

inspire motivate

when was it ever bad for someone to inspire or motivate someone? freedom of speech right? not that i'm a fan of the government but why is it so wrong for our black president to make a speech specifically to the children of this nation? inspiring them or motivating them to make something out of their lives. not many of us have that push but a few words don't hurt. you tell your children the same thing everyday. how is the speech harming these children?? brainwashing them to be better...

for our economy's success in the future... haha

trouble

& i don't know the circumstances..

we get so far
and then it just starts rewinding

the anthropology

it all intrigues me...

negative

i don't really have any self esteem.. i try to think positive but most of the time i feel stupid. i feel stupid and i hate feeling this way.

rejection

i feel rejected. fuck it. i'm alone today. bye.

on my bike ride...

i really enjoyed the cool air on my bike ride this morning. i saw so many trails from snails and even dodged a few. i even saw hella ants crowded around a decomposed worm and some found its way to some litter that was on the sidewalk.. in n out cup, i believe. it felt great although some tiny hills killed my legs. i pushed as hard as i could but i think after awhile i was tired and on some i just said fuck it and took my time. as soon as the cool air became warmer, i found myself racing against the sun. i could feel my heart pounding as it was working... what a relief to know that my heart still works. it felt nice.. i felt some type of freedom. i felt refreshed. it was me, my bike, good music, and the outdoors-- no wait... nature. i prefer the word nature.

as i rode my bike past house after house it made me think about what this world would come to... property after property and properties that were vacant. seemed like an never ending cycle of humanity destroying what nature has to offer us. even though the green grass on the sidewalks and green trees are pretty fake and brought to this place it's still living and i think it's beautiful. reminds me of freshness.. just breathing felt great for once. didn't feel like i was being suffocated.

just me, my bike, music, and my surroundings...

don't know

what to do..

pretty wings

Time will bring the real end of our trial
One day there'll be no remnants, no trace,
No residual feelings within you
one day you won't remember me.

Your face will be the reason I smile
But I will not see what I cannot have forever
I'll always love you.
I hope you feel the same.

Oh, you played me dirty, your game was so bad
You toyed with my affliction
Had to fill out my prescription for the remedy
I had to set you free.

Away from me
To see clearly
The way that love can be
when you are not with me
I had to leave
I had to live
I had to lead
I had to live

If I can't have you
Let love set you free
To fly your pretty wings around.

Pretty wings, your pretty wings, your
Pretty wings. Pretty wings around.

I came wrong you were right
Transformed your love into a lie
Baby believe me, I'm sorry I told you lies.
I turned day into night
Sleepless, I died a thousand times
I should've showed you
Better nights, better times
Better days, and I miss you more and more

If I can't have you
Let love set you free
To fly your pretty wings around.

Pretty wings, your pretty wings, your
Pretty wings. Pretty wings around.

Pretty wings, your pretty wings, your
Pretty wings. Pretty wings around.

exercising and digressing

connecting conversation with lyrical lines from songs...
would that be considered a memory exercise cuz i'm referring back to a line from a song? probably not cuz it just comes out like word vomit... but instead it's music.

or

it's really just that gay.. HMM?

but music is everything to me. i can't function correctly without it. there's music playing in my head at this moment... right now as we speak. one note, two note, half note, whole note.. little playful tunes to trumpets alarming and busy fingers creating beautiful notes coming from a grand piano.


but if i hear music in my head... playing... would that make me crazy cuz i can hear things in my head?

fcuk it

right?

what the fuck do people want from me?
i just wanna get away from here..

away from everything, everybody.. esp. you.

it's crashing and it gets worse
maybe if i weren't around, shit wouldn't be so bad.

i didn't ask to be here
God puts you through shit to see you rise above it..
i'm trynna rise above all this bullshit.
i don't wanna be apart of anything anymore.
i learned that you cant depend on anyone... nobody but yourself

the situation is..

i'm not good with words.. not good with confrontation. i'm not really good at expressing how i feel but i feel the need to because i've gotta get it out somehow. apparently nobody understands me. it's just something that builds up inside after awhile of being the youngest.. sorta like the pain of the youngest child.

what are your intentions? what GOOD does it do if it's not really good at all?

we're all at fault here. for every action there's a consequence to it.. negatives are being thrown around and at a time like this how could i possibly be positive about the whole thing? nobody ever believes me. i'm stuck in bullshit that doesn't belong to me. i guess for all this shit to happen you need someone that's selfish to begin with. responsibilities have a major part in the story as well. a responsibility of being a mother, an older sister, an auntie that looks over her nieces and nephews. you can write down my job description of being an auntie but you can't change how i feel and what's been eating me up. family is a big part of who i am but i feel like that big part of me is someone that i don't even know anymore. how can you call these people family if you feel like you can't trust them? i know they depend on me but what if i'm tired of being the persont hat lets everything slide? just like sweeping everything under the rug or giving her a slap on the wrist for all the shit that she's caused. life is already hard as it is but you cause even more problems than you have to all because of some snotty remark and smart ass tone of voice. nothing's ever genuine anymore. you can try to even blame it on something so foolish as "alcohol," but i believe that i was in the right mind and alcohol had nothing to do with how i was feeling. yeah i need to calm down sometimes and just breathe and let God take control but it's hard when someone's egging you on and doesn't know when to stop. i was wrong and i understand that.. i should've been the one to walk away but i couldn't help but feel like staying there. trying to defend who i am and trying to make a mark of what i'm worth in this world but it's hard when someone's there to shoot you down. it's a part of life to have people there kicking you when you're down. always someone that feels higher than you... always someone there that's "better" than you.. but i guess when it really counts it's up to you to make that choice if you're gonna be the one that's "better" by taking a stand and walking away. let it go cuz it's not worth it right? what happened to that? i believed so much in that.. i guess you let emotions take control and you stop thinking and act on how you feel. something i still have yet to understand.

i've grown up and i guess you can say all the things i grew up with.. i'm starting to question. my faith in family and everything else that i thought was "real." i understand right from wrong.. but when someone so snobby and rude is wrong, i can't help but tell them what's right.. or atleast hope that they can see their actions are wrong soon enough. i can't really say that i know everything in this world but with everyday that comes i'm still learning. i take every experience and i try to learn from them. i'm still a child and still trying to figure out my life and what God has intended for me. I know right from wrong. i believe that i'm a good person and i'm a strong believer in Karma..

i hate your actions and the person that you've become. if this were my world.. it would NEVER just be a slap on the wrist for you. you think i don't know who you are and what you're capable of? grow up, ness.

dopetonic: me n ness got into a big fight yesterday in front of everyone at jim's house

becky: really?

becky: why

dopetonic: and so i guess jim's dad and step mom called my house and told my parents what happened

dopetonic: just ness being ness... as usual.

dopetonic: and so my dad is really pissed at both of us.

becky: ayy

dopetonic: she always asks me for favors..

dopetonic: and when she asks.. it's always a "YOU HAVE TO DO IT" there's no choice

becky: yeah

dopetonic: and i asked her WHY.. and FOR WHAT? i guess me asking those questions make me a smart ass.. but shit.. when i ask ness for favors she's always a smart ass and never does it or she never wants to do it

dopetonic: so i just gave her the same shit she does to me.. and then she goes "you know what sa? SHUT THE FUCK UP STUPID!"

becky: omg

dopetonic: so she walked up to tin and i'm not stupid... she started asking tin for the favor

dopetonic: but she was asking in front of me trying to make me feel bad

dopetonic: AND THEN there she goes explaining herself trying to make me feel bad in front of everybody

dopetonic: and i told her.. yeah ness? keep talking..!

becky: damn

dopetonic: and then she started walking up to me

dopetonic: tin was trying to hold her back

dopetonic: and she took a swing at me

becky: omfg!

dopetonic: so i fought back

dopetonic: and my cousins pulled us away from each other.. and so i went inside to try to cool off

dopetonic: n i know ness. i know exactly what she does and her little games

dopetonic: so my gay ass drunk ass cousin vince... who supposedly didn't wanna be part of anything who supposedly had my back was inside with ness.. talking about what happened and saying shit how it was okay for what she did and how she reacted

becky: fckin ass

dopetonic: when the way she acted was hella childish.. trying to beat me up in front of everyone.. what the fuck does that prove?

dopetonic: n so me hearing all of this happen.. everything started to build up again and i was pissed cuz i can hear vince and ness talking

dopetonic: so i blew up again and started yelling at her. and then that's when i threw my phone and it broke

becky: aww

becky: thats SHIT.

dopetonic: yeah dude...she was talking to everybody trying to convince everyone n shit to be on her side

becky: fuck that she's older.

dopetonic: YEAH

becky: she should know

dopetonic: of course not!

dopetonic: not ness...

dopetonic: so tin wanted me to calm down so she told ness to leave

dopetonic: then tin took me for a drive to calm me down and talk about it..

dopetonic: tin was just like.. i'm not picking sides cuz you guys were both wrong for what happened.. but i understand how you feel sa and what set you off cuz ness does that to me as well

becky: at least tin understands

becky: and yeah you both shouldnt have fought

dopetonic: yeah

becky: but fuck. ness should fucking know better

dopetonic: of course not

dopetonic: when she was swinging at me.. i was calling her out on it about how she always tries fighting with somebody. this isn't her first time. but it's her first time in front of all our cousins

becky: man. way to ruin the party

dopetonic: tin was just like.. sa you know who's right in all of this. it doesn't matter what she's trying to do and how she's trying to make herself innocent. if you know who's right then that should be good enough. be the righteous one and don't give a fuck about what ness is trying to do. she doesn't care, so why should you?

becky: yeah

becky tin is so wise.

work in progress

nobody ever said it'd be easy...
it's destination: beautiful.

sticks and stones
frustrations
distractions
...in the road

but the feeling's right
so you might as well.

what is it without....?
stand your ground.

delete delete delete
return return.. re-turn
fall back on what you know.
the feeling's right


it'll never be flawless

that's what you get

i can hear my logic
over and over..

"told you so.."

don't push me

i feel kinda disappointed..

endless circle..
still runnin through one.

don't expect anything
cuz then you won't be let down

refresh..

i want somebody to walk up behind me
& kiss me on my neck
& breathe on my neck

if you want to feel me
better be divine
bring me water
water for my mind
give me nothing
breathe love in my air
don't abuse me
cuz these herbs are rare...


-----
patience is a virtue
different perspective
tolerate the difficulties
understand the struggle..

quitting

sometimes i feel like
i can't breathe.

simple, starving to be safe

inspiration-- it's crazy. it comes and goes. i sat in my room itching for some creativity. i was craving for the release. for awhile now i've been having random ideas to express myself creatively.. i guess you can say i've been inspired. it felt good and it was also refreshing to be able to get it all out. hah, right when i got the text from becky to go to her house i felt this big... relief. i finally felt at ease.

now i'm tired.. the rush is gone. need more spark for my fire.

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way."
--Pablo Neruda

first love

this is when i fell in love with hip hop..

we're gonna make it that's forsure
if you're stressed then let it go..

i really know how it feels to be stressed out, stressed out
when you're face to face with your adversity
i really know how it feels to be stressed out, stressed out
we're gonna make this thing work out eventually...

REAL HIP HOP-- none of that rap shit on the radio
turn off the radio!

shrug

negative..
gotta keep the positive


what the fuck am i doing?
it's brand new.

BERSEEEEERK

the little traces of your scent from what's left on your shirt is driving me....berserk.

i can inhale you like air
i miss...
drowning myself in you
especially
your kisses... but then again
your touch makes me weak
& i can not resist you.

"you're so incredible
deliciously insatiable
my body's burnin with desire
i need you and i want you to want me too..
mental and physically"

respect

is what you lack..
you run around and you speak without thinking
you call me shady because i want nothing to do with you

how is that shady? because i wanna put my feelings first before you?
i think that's pretty shady of you.. you can't expect everything to go your way
that's not how life goes.. you've got some twisted way of thinking if you think
you matter the most. you stopped mattering to me the day you walked away..
now you can't handle me not giving you shit? that's too fuckin bad for you
you didn't want me and i stopped wanting you days ago. accept it cuz i'm not coming back
i can't and i promised myself that i'd find someone that could treat me better than you ever could.

i guess what i'm trying to tell you is.. i don't love you.

i don't wanna deal with your childish shit anymore.
i know what you're all about and the person that you will become if you don't stop with your shit.. grow up. i don't wanna babysit you and i definitely can't give you attention when you cry. you chose your path and i went my own way so why don't you understand that?
respect that cuz i've grown up and i've grown stronger and i'm doing me.. so do me a favor and let me go like i let you go... i've gotten to the point where i can live without you and i love it. so respect that. i've got my responsibilities and you've got yours.. just let it go.

live your life
& i'll live mine

in 5..4..3...2.....

t-minus 4 days till friday
which means spring break for you state f***ers :]

&
playtime
sleepytime
foodtime
with you

i miss..

my friendly friends
esp.. the ones that are far far away

we're all grown up now

but let's never get to that point of no return.


i've been betrayed and tested
but with that said
there are lessons learned
and more lessons to be learned
people come and go
but the ones that are still there
are worth more..

hmmm

think think think...

last night i opened up.
deep shit and i can't believe i did

let em in
can't always hide.

maybe

it's a little hard for me to feel
cuz i've got a few things to deal
with...

make that $krilla

-work on resume
-call blane
-find a job!!!!!

and then???

new blooooog, yay. what now?