fcuk it

right?

what the fuck do people want from me?
i just wanna get away from here..

away from everything, everybody.. esp. you.

it's crashing and it gets worse
maybe if i weren't around, shit wouldn't be so bad.

i didn't ask to be here
God puts you through shit to see you rise above it..
i'm trynna rise above all this bullshit.
i don't wanna be apart of anything anymore.
i learned that you cant depend on anyone... nobody but yourself

the situation is..

i'm not good with words.. not good with confrontation. i'm not really good at expressing how i feel but i feel the need to because i've gotta get it out somehow. apparently nobody understands me. it's just something that builds up inside after awhile of being the youngest.. sorta like the pain of the youngest child.

what are your intentions? what GOOD does it do if it's not really good at all?

we're all at fault here. for every action there's a consequence to it.. negatives are being thrown around and at a time like this how could i possibly be positive about the whole thing? nobody ever believes me. i'm stuck in bullshit that doesn't belong to me. i guess for all this shit to happen you need someone that's selfish to begin with. responsibilities have a major part in the story as well. a responsibility of being a mother, an older sister, an auntie that looks over her nieces and nephews. you can write down my job description of being an auntie but you can't change how i feel and what's been eating me up. family is a big part of who i am but i feel like that big part of me is someone that i don't even know anymore. how can you call these people family if you feel like you can't trust them? i know they depend on me but what if i'm tired of being the persont hat lets everything slide? just like sweeping everything under the rug or giving her a slap on the wrist for all the shit that she's caused. life is already hard as it is but you cause even more problems than you have to all because of some snotty remark and smart ass tone of voice. nothing's ever genuine anymore. you can try to even blame it on something so foolish as "alcohol," but i believe that i was in the right mind and alcohol had nothing to do with how i was feeling. yeah i need to calm down sometimes and just breathe and let God take control but it's hard when someone's egging you on and doesn't know when to stop. i was wrong and i understand that.. i should've been the one to walk away but i couldn't help but feel like staying there. trying to defend who i am and trying to make a mark of what i'm worth in this world but it's hard when someone's there to shoot you down. it's a part of life to have people there kicking you when you're down. always someone that feels higher than you... always someone there that's "better" than you.. but i guess when it really counts it's up to you to make that choice if you're gonna be the one that's "better" by taking a stand and walking away. let it go cuz it's not worth it right? what happened to that? i believed so much in that.. i guess you let emotions take control and you stop thinking and act on how you feel. something i still have yet to understand.

i've grown up and i guess you can say all the things i grew up with.. i'm starting to question. my faith in family and everything else that i thought was "real." i understand right from wrong.. but when someone so snobby and rude is wrong, i can't help but tell them what's right.. or atleast hope that they can see their actions are wrong soon enough. i can't really say that i know everything in this world but with everyday that comes i'm still learning. i take every experience and i try to learn from them. i'm still a child and still trying to figure out my life and what God has intended for me. I know right from wrong. i believe that i'm a good person and i'm a strong believer in Karma..

i hate your actions and the person that you've become. if this were my world.. it would NEVER just be a slap on the wrist for you. you think i don't know who you are and what you're capable of? grow up, ness.

dopetonic: me n ness got into a big fight yesterday in front of everyone at jim's house

becky: really?

becky: why

dopetonic: and so i guess jim's dad and step mom called my house and told my parents what happened

dopetonic: just ness being ness... as usual.

dopetonic: and so my dad is really pissed at both of us.

becky: ayy

dopetonic: she always asks me for favors..

dopetonic: and when she asks.. it's always a "YOU HAVE TO DO IT" there's no choice

becky: yeah

dopetonic: and i asked her WHY.. and FOR WHAT? i guess me asking those questions make me a smart ass.. but shit.. when i ask ness for favors she's always a smart ass and never does it or she never wants to do it

dopetonic: so i just gave her the same shit she does to me.. and then she goes "you know what sa? SHUT THE FUCK UP STUPID!"

becky: omg

dopetonic: so she walked up to tin and i'm not stupid... she started asking tin for the favor

dopetonic: but she was asking in front of me trying to make me feel bad

dopetonic: AND THEN there she goes explaining herself trying to make me feel bad in front of everybody

dopetonic: and i told her.. yeah ness? keep talking..!

becky: damn

dopetonic: and then she started walking up to me

dopetonic: tin was trying to hold her back

dopetonic: and she took a swing at me

becky: omfg!

dopetonic: so i fought back

dopetonic: and my cousins pulled us away from each other.. and so i went inside to try to cool off

dopetonic: n i know ness. i know exactly what she does and her little games

dopetonic: so my gay ass drunk ass cousin vince... who supposedly didn't wanna be part of anything who supposedly had my back was inside with ness.. talking about what happened and saying shit how it was okay for what she did and how she reacted

becky: fckin ass

dopetonic: when the way she acted was hella childish.. trying to beat me up in front of everyone.. what the fuck does that prove?

dopetonic: n so me hearing all of this happen.. everything started to build up again and i was pissed cuz i can hear vince and ness talking

dopetonic: so i blew up again and started yelling at her. and then that's when i threw my phone and it broke

becky: aww

becky: thats SHIT.

dopetonic: yeah dude...she was talking to everybody trying to convince everyone n shit to be on her side

becky: fuck that she's older.

dopetonic: YEAH

becky: she should know

dopetonic: of course not!

dopetonic: not ness...

dopetonic: so tin wanted me to calm down so she told ness to leave

dopetonic: then tin took me for a drive to calm me down and talk about it..

dopetonic: tin was just like.. i'm not picking sides cuz you guys were both wrong for what happened.. but i understand how you feel sa and what set you off cuz ness does that to me as well

becky: at least tin understands

becky: and yeah you both shouldnt have fought

dopetonic: yeah

becky: but fuck. ness should fucking know better

dopetonic: of course not

dopetonic: when she was swinging at me.. i was calling her out on it about how she always tries fighting with somebody. this isn't her first time. but it's her first time in front of all our cousins

becky: man. way to ruin the party

dopetonic: tin was just like.. sa you know who's right in all of this. it doesn't matter what she's trying to do and how she's trying to make herself innocent. if you know who's right then that should be good enough. be the righteous one and don't give a fuck about what ness is trying to do. she doesn't care, so why should you?

becky: yeah

becky tin is so wise.

work in progress

nobody ever said it'd be easy...
it's destination: beautiful.

sticks and stones
frustrations
distractions
...in the road

but the feeling's right
so you might as well.

what is it without....?
stand your ground.

delete delete delete
return return.. re-turn
fall back on what you know.
the feeling's right


it'll never be flawless