i think to myself.. isn't she scared of losing us? nah she's not weak like me. i am too scared of losing her but i already have since i put her in the position of not wanting to pursue us. gosh sa...

sa.. it's like you said in the beginning.. as long as we're on the same page then we're good.

obviously you two aren't on the same page anymore.

how do you go from living for someone to having to tear them away from everything that you know? it's like they're apart of me and having to tear off apart of me is unheard of.. just sounds painful altogether.

GET IT TOGETHER ALREADY. i hate the thought of letting go of something thats SO WORTH IT..

worth it...important to me.
priorities.

she's important to me no matter how emo i get about our situation. she's more than just an ex. she's my best friend. how do you rid yourself of the love that you have for someone? it's unconditional.. i can't. i refuse to let go of what's important to me. i guess i'll just keep it disguised as something else. keep my feelings on the downlow.

i'm not about to give up.
i've worked too damn hard.
plus, i'm still here.. right?

BUCK UP..

note to self..

her:
I feel too insecure to pursue another long distance relationship, especially with everything i've gone through
i lose my sanity, i truly go insane and i hate it

i love the song don't let me down...
but...
i think it's weird that i'm ready for the let down.
sounds sad.
true story.

i hate that at any moment my heart could just be torn out and stomped on then thrown into the ocean where i'd have to dive deep to save it but to only find that you can't live without a heart so then i wouldn't even be able to save it... i guess it could be salvaged? i guess in some other dimension "don't let me down" could mean something.. there's hope for me in some other dimension. be ready for it. be prepared to walk away with your chin up and head held high.. who am i kidding? i hate this battle between the two of me.. it's like i wanna be hopeful but the bitter half wants to just sulk in the negative and spoils everything! i just wanna be happy.

is it bad that i had plans for myself? is it bad that i was working towards a goal? i mean yeah sometimes you gotta do things for yourself but for myself, it wasn't even good enough. i'm working towards "us" but does that even exist in your world? i'm terrible. i fucked you hard and now i'm being fucked. what is it with me? i have to ruin everything that's going well. never ever consistent. i'm all for delays and unusual obstacles but boy, does it hurt. i look at pictures of us.. and you say i looked distant but i think that we look okay? i had this thought in my head that we were happy but you pointed out a flaw.. a flaw that pushed you away from me. my inability to feel emotional... i'm trying to pinpoint what caused this for me but i just can't. i don't know.. but i'm trying to change it. i'm trying to be better. i just want the reassurance that you're thinking of me too. i just want you.. is that so bad? i guess in your world its wrong.. but in mine..... *sigh.